Since 2016, talk of Russian control over America has been udderly ridiculous.
According to Hillary Clinton (here), Democratic politicians, media figures, and innumerable memes, the former Soviet Union is all over us, and hacking in to solely control who takes the White House.
But is all the hype in fact true, and Mother Russia as technologically superior as a mother?
A new revelation’s making Hillary look a little less loco: The transcontinental nation is so advanced, in fact, that its cows are closer to the cutting edge — or, cudding edge — than, probably, you.
As it turns out, farmers in Russia are fitting their milk-filled bovines with virtual reality glasses.
Virtual reality isn’t just for video games anymore. https://t.co/Bdx5J0CXZE
— WTVR CBS 6 Richmond (@CBS6) November 27, 2019
According to the Ministry of Agriculture and Food, VR goggles have been modified to fit the head-shape and eyesight of cows so they can enjoy — as put by Richmond’s CBS 6 — “a wild, expansive field beneath the summer sun.”
The reasoning behind the initiative is that environmental factors are known to affect milk production.
As stated by Fox news, the program was “developed on the basis of an analysis by Wageningen University & Research in the Netherlands, which concluded that environmental conditions can significantly impact cattle health and the quality of milk.”
Though the creaminess of its impact has yet to be determined, as per a press release by Storyful, turning the animals into TV-watching cowch potatoes has resulted in a notable “decrease in anxiety and an increase in the overall emotional mood of the herd.”
And compliments of a technological wonder.
We beat them to the moon, but they beat us to the MOOn.
But to be fair, WTVR points out that Russians aren’t the only ones planning and scheming to woo the moo:
Some…farmers set mood lighting, among other tricks, to keep their cows calm and producing the best beef possible. Others play them music, which one Missouri farmer says leads to better milk.
Well, whatever makes a milkshake taste better, I’m all for.
The land of vodka and wooden dolls has taken things to a whole other level in the pursuit of the perfect malt. Could they have used their Star Wars wizardry to decide the election?
If so, I suppose it’s good their sensibilities lie on the side of cowmilk. A victory across the aisle, many might say, would’ve been bullsh**.